An Awkward Conversation Between Friends
by defying3reason
Summary: S/R slash Sirius is having relationship problems and unloads on his best friend, a reluctant counselor at best


"Hey Prongs, remember when I told you I fancied boys, and you said you were fine with it as long as I didn't go into detail over any of it?" Sirius asked.

James choked on the sip of butterbeer he'd just taken. He wiped his mouth while Sirius apologetically rubbed his back. "Yeah, I remember that."

"Kay. Well remember when I told you that I more specifically fancied Moony and that we're dating now?"

"I definitely don't like where this is going at all, but yeah."

"I need to break that first rule about not going into detail."

"Having problems with Remus then?" James asked, heaving a reluctant sigh. He knew full well that he'd spent far too much time whining to his best friend (who had long ceased caring, if he ever cared to begin with) about his unrequited love of Lily Evans for him to refuse to listen to anything Sirius had to say regarding his love life. But he really, really didn't want to know what Sirius and Remus got up to in the dorm when he and Peter weren't around. In fact, he had a sneaking suspicion that sometimes they even got up to things while he and Peter _were_ in the room, mostly owing to the silencing charms often cast around the closed hangings of Sirius' four poster.

"We're not having problems…not really. But it could turn into something. It's just…geeze, this is awkward."

"Uh huh," James readily agreed.

The two of them were sitting at the start of the tunnel to Hogsmeade at the end of the chute under the statue of the witch with the hump. James' invisibility cloak was on the ground by their feet, the Marauder's Map resting on top of it. There was a big bag of sweets between them from their most recent unofficial Hogsmeade weekend, and they were enjoying all the best ones before heading back to Gryffindor tower, lest Peter get them first.

"So what are your not-problems?" James asked.

"…he'sreallygoodatdoingstuffandI'mrubbish."

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that."

Sirius had turned bright red. He was twirling a sweets wrapper in his fingers, to provide an outlet for his fidgety energy. "Look, the other night…we were just snogging and then I, well I was getting excited and he started petting me and, erm, _things_, and that was fine but then he-"

"Pads, if you don't want to describe it, I probably don't want to hear it," James assured him.

"Fine, I'll just give you the important part. Remus is really, really good at getting me off. And I don't think I'm doing quite as good a job for him. In fact, I'm starting to think I'm actually terrible at it. I mean…I've never done anything with anyone before…" Even though he'd been propositioned more than the rest of them combined.

"And you think Remus has?" James asked.

"Well I'm not in a position to really tell the different between a bad blow job and a good one, but-"

James held up his hand. "For starters, 'bad' isn't really an applicable descriptor for blow jobs, because even bad ones are still blow jobs and so pretty good fun. Second, _Remus gave you head in the dorm_? Sirius! That is not cool! Wormtail and I sleep in there! Oh my god. The silencing charm. Please tell me we weren't in the room at the time!"

"Um…" Sirius glanced down at the map so as not to look at his friend.

"That is a violation of our friendship."

"Well take it up with Moony then, because I thought we were just kissing," Sirius snapped defensively. "Then he cupped me and bit my ear and asked if he could blow me and I-"

"Should have said 'not with our friends in the room, thanks'," James said, glaring.

"I didn't actually say anything, he just kind of took my whimper for a yes. He kind of takes charge when we're doing that stuff. And that's the important part, if you can stop judging me for a second."

Reacting, no doubt, to the frightened look on Sirius' face and the vulnerability he was uncharacteristically exuding, James calmed his outrage and gave Sirius a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "Sorry, but aren't you happy Remus is good at that…_stuff_?" James asked.

"I was yesterday, but today I'm not sure how I feel. It'd be different if I was able to keep up with him, but I'm not. I'm not much at kissing, and I never really know what to do with my hands when we're snogging, and everything he does feels really good. I just know I'm shit in comparison and it's kind of scaring me. Plus I want to know who the eff he practiced with so I can curse the stupid snot into oblivion."

"But Pads, obviously whoever Remus was with, he was with before he started dating you. He's mad about you," James said.

Sirius narrowed his eyes, not seeming to care.

"Besides, are you even sure Remus has been with someone else? I'd like to think he'd have mentioned something." The other three had certainly discussed their pitiful romantic exploits at length. It seemed wrong for Remus to have had an actual experience and keep quiet about it. Of course, that also seemed very like something Remus would do…he was so much more secretive and aloof than any of the rest of them.

"Look Prongs, I just don't think my cock was the first one in his mouth." Sirius grinned at the horrified look on James' face. "Oh wow, you actually look a bit green!"

"Why'd you have to say it like that, you ass! I don't want to think about you and Remus like that! This conversation's been pushing my comfort level as is!"

"Sorry, sorry." He really wasn't. "It's just, he didn't gag or anything, and when I tried…"

"You tried? God, if I ever catch any of you putting a silencing charm around your beds again, I'm going to drench your sheets with bubotuber pus."

"Then we'll have to use your bed."

"The hell you will!" But now they were both laughing at least. "Right, so the point is, you're worried that Remus is more experienced than you, correct?"

"Yeah."

"And the reason that's worrying you is you think you're not pleasuring him as much as he's pleasuring you?"

Sirius nodded.

James shrugged. "I actually think that makes things a little more fair."

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Sirius asked.

"Well…" James chewed his lip, obviously thinking about how to say what he had in mind. "It's just…for the first couple of weeks you were dating, Remus was the insecure one wasn't he?"

"Was he?"

"Course he was mate. He thinks you're out of his league. Better looking, clever, just had a heap of gold willed to you so you're rich again as well, and he's an impoverished scrappy werewolf. I know that's never mattered to us, but he's always going to think of himself as damaged goods. This doesn't leave the passageway, got it?" Once James had gotten a solemn nod from Sirius, he continued. "Remus actually talked to me just after the Christmas holidays. He said he wanted to break up with you-"

"_What_? James, you are no longer my best friend! Why are you telling me this now?" Sirius yelped, a look of panic on his face.

"Because he swore me to secrecy, and if you'll kindly pay attention, you'll notice he never ditched you!" James snapped. "He was thinking about it because he was terrified that, to paraphrase, you were eventually going to notice how much better you could do than him, and he couldn't take it when that happened, and maybe if he ended things now, before you'd gotten very far, you could go back to being friends and he'd still get to have you in his life."

"But…but I'm crazy about him too. I don't want…I've never wanted anyone else."

"I know," James said, sounding exasperated. "I explained that to him. He's still a little suspicious of things, poor bloke. I don't think he's used to having good things happen to him. And he still hasn't quite rid himself of the notion that this is an elaborate prank you're playing on him either."

"I actually wondered that myself. Just couldn't believe he liked me back," Sirius admitted.

James rolled his eyes again. "You're both so stupid. Just accept that you're made for each other and be blissfully happy, will you?"

Sirius laughed. "Right. Because it's that easy."

"It's easier than you're making it."

Well that was probably true.

Sirius glanced down at the map. "It's getting late. Maybe we'd better head back up."

"I guess. Where's Filch?"

"Entrance hall…so's Peeves. I think we're clear then."

"Alright. Hey, Pads?"

Sirius looked up from wiping the map. "Yeah?"

"I really mean it about you and Remus being blissfully happy together. I'm glad you found your one."

Sirius broke into a grin. "Thanks Prongs."

"I mean this as well though. Can you please keep the blissful happiness' physical expression limited to areas not the dorm, especially when I'm sleeping in it?"

"Blame Moony. He's a bit kinky you know."

"Sirius!"

"Alright, we won't snog when you're in the room."

"Much obliged."


End file.
